So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
