I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
