i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
