I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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