If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
