I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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