I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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