party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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