i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
