I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
