i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
