8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
