normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
