Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
