She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
