i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
