Nicole vs. Life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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