I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
