i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
This is my gift to your gina
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
