When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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