I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
