I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
