whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
