It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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