did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
