Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
