no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
