Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize