They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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