I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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