I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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