Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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