If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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