We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I will pee on everything he values.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
