its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
