I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize