Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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