He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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