Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
