you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
