one two three fourrrrnication!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize