I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
