Little spoons don't ask big questions
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
