just tell him i said nine months
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
