I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
