chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Say something about gay babies.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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