I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Randomize