Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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