bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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