I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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