In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
