hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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