Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
