Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
