I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
