Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
