Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
