If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
