why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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