FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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