God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
