There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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