Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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