I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Randomize
