i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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